It’s cold. I can hear the bell chiming. The sound it makes - it feels warm. It reminds me of something – so distant, yet so close. I wrap my itchy scarf around my neck more tightly. I want it. I want it now more than ever. This feeling. I can barely control it. I force myself to trudge all the more purposefully through the snow. My eyes focus so intently on the space in front of me that it’s almost as if I'm piercing through reality and looking into my determined future. As I look back, I notice my footprints in the snow, like a snake winding its way back to the countryside. My eyes widen as I see red in the snow. I stop in my tracks. Blood. Yes, that's my blood. The holes in my shoes are not helping against the ice. It doesn't matter. There will be time for healing later. I trudge on. The snow that had snuck into my shoes helps numb my feet against the pain.
“Good morning, Sir! Are you ready for worship my good man?” the greeter says outside the chapel feigning an attitude of normalcy at the sight of the weathered wanderer.
“*cough* Yes, I reckon I am. *cough*” The bell rang again. I feel the warmth. It’s all around me. It feels like home. Yes. This is what it felt like growing up. But I have grown so much. It all seems so surreal - coming back to a place like this. It’s as if time all around has been advancing forward, but here was a haven where time just stops...never advancing...always the same.
People file into pews, one by one. I watch the priest move about the chapel. It’s the same priest as when I was younger. He welcomes the new arrivals individually with a soft caress of the hand and a thoughtful smile. He doesn't seem to notice me. That is good. I don't want to be noticed. I'll just keep to myself, or even get hooded up a bit.
Voices burst into song. I'm not much of a singer, though I welcome a listen. I close my eyes and absorb it all. There was one thing missing. The sound of her voice. It had been ages since I had last seen her. Would I still recognize her voice if I heard her sing today? I open my eyes and glance all around. She wasn't there. I had tried to not get my hopes up. It has been nine long years since I had seen her. When I last saw her, she was the fairest maiden in the town. I still remember her soft smile like it was yesterday.
This isn't working. I need to go. I get up in the middle of the song and walk out. The choir was half silenced in shock at my sudden departure. The priest finally notices me. I don't care. I need to see her. I need to know what happened to her since I left. She could have been married off by now. For all you know she has three kids and is happily married. She could have become a nun and joined the nunnery. She could have died in the war. A thousand doubts filled my mind. I mentally swat them aside with sheer determination of will. She made a promise to me that day. She promised me she would save herself for me.
The chapel was far behind now. My blood still drizzled here and there in the snow, but that wasn't important. What was important was finding her. No, she's not dead, damn it. I WILL find her. I walked my way around the village. It was a lot bigger than I remember it. The houses all looked different. What did her house look like again? The memories were so unclear. The only thing that was clear was her face. It shines bright in my mind. Her soft smile radiating peace through my soul. Her bright eyes filling me up with hope. Her sly smile and quick wink teasing me. Disappearing into the forest secretly, leaving me notes on the bark of the trees...
That's it! My legs began leaping through the snow at a pace that seemed to show they had a mind of their own. I raced to find the tree upon which we had first professed our love. It had to be here somewhere. Nine years had changed the shape of the forest as well. It was not as I remembered it. Oh come on! Think! It had to be somewhere near, it had to be! I can't take this any longer. It’s too much to bear. I pound my fists into the nearest tree and yell at heaven while falling down to the snow on my knees. The branches shook as snow sprinkled downward. *Cough* *Cough* A salty warm sensation is forming on my tongue. Blood...blood is drizzling from my lips. Damn. I'm running out of time.
I force myself up on my feet. Though my body is telling me it needs rest, I give a piecing gaze into the forest. There is no time to rest. I must find this tree. I wind back and forth through the forest, trying to get a glance at each tree from multiple angles to make sure I don't miss it. I see it! In the distance. The shape of a heart carved into the tree. The engraving had faded. Time had eroded its clear-cut edges. It was slipping away just like everything else. I get down on my knees and begin frantically moving my hands through the snow. Come on, there's got to be one around here... Yes! A rock. I pull it out, but it is too round to be usable. I feel around for another. No that wasn’t going to work either. This round rock is all I’ve got. I would need to break it in half to make it sharp enough. Where was something hard enough to split a rock? I slam it into the tree, but the tree is softer than the rock. What is harder than a tree? What about bone? My bones? Would that work? *cough* *cough* Worth a try. I slam the stone into my arm. Too small. I slam it into my knee. Nope. I slam it into my forehead. Blood begins to ooze out of my thin skin. It was no use... There was no way to split the rock. Blood... That's it! I scrambled through my pockets and eventually found some used parchment. I flip it over to expose the blank backside. Pen! Where's my pen? A twig from the tree would do. What do I want to say? What do I need to say? I began applying my cold darkening blood to the tip of the twig. *cough* *cough* More warm blood came out and began soaking my clothes - a God-given supply of ink.
“Sarah, you are my north star. My shining light in the dark. My lighthouse in the storm. These last nine years away from you have been my utter torment. Not a day goes by I don't think of you. Not a night goes by where my soul does not long to be by your side. I love you Sarah. No, to say love, it is far too plain, too ordinary to adequately express how I feel. You are the keystone of my soul. Nothing it this life makes any sense without you. I always imagined a future with us together. I never expected the war to rip us from each other. I promised you I would come back. But I couldn't. At least not yet. My family lost everything in the war. My father died in battle and my mother became desperately ill. I couldn't leave her side until she got better, but she eventually died as well. I swore I would make it back to you. But one thing after the other obstructed me from returning to your side. Until one month ago when the doctor informed me that I was sick as well - soon to die. How could I die before fulfilling my promise to you? Without any money to travel, I began walking my way back to the village to find you. I have been unlucky enough times. I felt that before I died, fate might have it within itself to smile upon me one last time through your grace. I know that I have been gone for far too long and hate the thought that you have moved on without me, but I would see your face before I die, regardless. Yet, I know not where to find you. Should I die here and now in a pool of my own cold blood, I would hope that one day, you would return to this tree where you first told me you loved me. And then to your surprise, you would find this note waiting for you and smile once more on my behalf. Perhaps my soul could look up from the grave one last time to observe your radiance. Oh, Sarah. I'm dying as I write this letter – the very words written by my blood as it freezes into the parchment. How I wish things could be different. How I long for you, my dear.” Darkness. Darkness is clouding my vision. How can I write in such darkness? *cough* *cough* Maybe I'll just lay down in the snow and rest a bit...
Darkness continues to cloud my mind, as if I'd woken up from a dream, yet not fully. But there is a new feeling. Warmth. Comfort. Peace. Momentum. Am I on the way to heaven? I have no energy to move or speak - just to feel and listen. Voices...soft voices, muttering things about me. I'm so tired. I think I'll just rest some more.
I wake up again. I can feel the brightness around me but I still can't see it. I'm in a soft bed. People are moving around me. A soft voice prepares a warm cloth and applies it to my body.
“You sure did a number on yourself, mister.” a woman says.
“*cough* Where am I? *cough*” I finally muster the strength to speak.
“You’re at the county hospital, sir.” she says as she continues to treat him.
“I can't see anything.”
“Your blood loss temporarily blinded you. But don't you worry. It should come back when you've fully rested.” A smile spreads across my face. This feeling – hope, it feels familiar.
“What were you thinking, not coming to the hospital sooner? You almost killed yourself out there!” she says scolding him.
“The doctor said my condition is terminal. *cough* *cough* No point.”
“Well I'm not letting you die on my watch. Let’s see if we can prove the doctor wrong.”
“AHHHHHHHHHHH” I screamed. The pain is more intense that the burning of a fire.
“Oh, I'm sorry. I need to take your shoes off, but your feet are badly damaged.”
“It's okay. I can endure the pain. This is just a temporary pain.” I say bravely. She tugs on the shoes again.
“RRRRRRGGGGGG” I grunt in pain. I control myself as best I can. The nurse was silent. Not a good sign.
“Nurse, what's wrong?” I say nervously.
“We're going to need to warm you up some more.” she said after a long pause after collecting the toes that had fallen off due to frostbite. “Even if you didn't want to go to the hospital, why in God's name did you go marching off into the snow like a mad-man?!” the nurse says holding back tears.
“For her.” I say through clenched teeth. The pain was increasing in my feet. I don't know why.
“What do you mean?” the nurse asks, wide-eyed.
“The letter! *cough* *cough* What happened to the letter?? I was writing her a letter...” I mutter. The nurse looks through my coat.
“Looks like the church boy put your letter in here!” she says, pulling it from the coat pocket.
“No, no, NO! *cough* *cough* I need to leave the letter with the tree.” I burst out despite feeling like my mind was spinning towards increased darkness. Maybe I'll just rest a little bit more. We'll figure it out later.
The nurse drops to her knees in tears as she read the letter.
“Oh, Levi. You foolish foolish man.” She says as she gently caressed his arm. She continues her treatments until Levi wakes up again.
I can finally see! A bright light. It so blinding. Amidst the brightness I see a person appear. Golden hair and a smile - like an angel.
“How are you feeling Levi?” She says, smiling at him with a look that carried deeper meaning.
“Sarah! Is it really you? I don't believe my eyes!”
“It's true, my dear Levi.” she says, placing a soft gentle hand against his cheek. My hand reaches over hers.
“No wedding ring? Have you been waiting for me all this time?” I ask.
“I could never break my promise to you. I told God that if you are called to sacrifice your life for your fellow man, then so would I. I sacrificed my life to serve others in this hospital ever since you disappeared during the war.
“Yet after all this time, I finally made it back to you.” I say with a peace that surpasses all existence.
“Levi...you stupid stupid man. You just had to kill yourself in order to find your way me?” She says as tears drop onto his face.
“The doctor says I am terminal. I just had to see your face before I die.”
Time began to slow. Her face shining with tears. Love and compassion fill her eyes with a beauty that surpasses anything I have ever seen before. She comes closer and closer. Her lips press against mine through my rough beard.
“I won’t let you die this time.” she says with a smile.
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